Navigating Truth, Gender, and Spirituality in the Search for Authentic Connection

There are moments when truth arrives not as a gentle breeze, but as a stark wind stripping leaves from branches… leaving us exposed and trembling, yet somehow clearer.

My last encounter with Christiane felt exactly like this. She has been a guide, an elder, and a respected voice in my life for years, offering teachings deeply rooted in feminine and ancestral wisdom. She has lived her work, for a long time. Her presence is deeply felt, and her voice has long carried weight and clarity for me. I respect her dearly. She’s a very meaningful person in my life. And for reasons I still explore, I’ve held her words as powerful medicine… sometimes even more potent than my own instincts.

Our recent session together began from a familiar place; my heart raw, seeking guidance through ancestral pain, tangled relationships, and the shadows that whisper about endings.

But this time, her response caught me off guard. If you know me, you know I deeply appreciate and respond positively to real, raw, even blunt - Truths. My soul craves Truth.

Rather than a soft landing or gentle word, she offered fierceness, rawness, and clarity: urging me toward solitude and service, away from relationship and heartbreak.

She believes my pain indicates an unhealthy dynamic, suggesting I flee rather than face the mirror held by intimacy (which believe me; I’ve been doing here for almost a decade now).

And, she’s right.

While I can understand and agree with her perspective, it felt incomplete to me… as if she overlooked the depth and complexity inherent in real, transformative love. I don’t see the surfacing of our dark, shadowy, or hard parts in relationship as a red flag. I see it as Sacred. I see it as an opportunity to heal the deepest, most wounded parts of our Selves.

Some of the deepest work we can do emerges when those buried parts of us… our wounds, our fear, our grief… are brought into the light. These are the aspects of ourselves that are dying to be seen, held, acknowledged, and loved: Our wounds.

And just because they arise within a dynamic doesn’t mean the relationship is broken.

To me, it means the relationship is real. Alive.

Capable of holding what we’ve been carrying for a lifetime.

It doesn’t mean a person or a dynamic is inherently bad or wrong to me. And it’s certainly no reason to avoid it.

So this is where I perhaps disagree with Christiane. I believe those moments are portals for healing. And, what an opportunity… to love and heal deeper than possible outside of the dynamic present with you.

In my experience, our deepest wounding doesn’t even get activated in us until we fall in to devoted love and relationship.

For these dark parts of us to even surface in a dynamic with someone… To even reveal those parts of us filled with shame, anger, rage, jealousy, envy, hurt, heartbreak

Surely, we have to deeply trust our partner in the first place.

I really believe this as some of the most meaningful, challenging, deepest, important, soul-level healing we can do together.

And the most amazing part is…

All it takes, is two willing people.

I’m reminded of a story I once heard between two men in physical training. After hours of grueling effort, one man collapsed, exhausted and ready to quit. The other stood beside him, calm, strong, steady. And he said,

“Where your world ends, mine begins.”

That line has always stayed with me. It really depends on how willing we are to be with all of it.

That’s what I believe love can look like. That’s the kind of sacred devotion I still believe in. A love that meets us where we fall… and chooses to keep going.

In Christiane’s directness, I sensed something deeper: a guardedness born of years spent in a protected spiritual enclave. Boulder can be such a place; a serene, insulated bubble, often disconnected from the grit and rawness of lived experience. It creates blind spots. It shelters. It forgets how hard it can be to stay with what’s difficult.

I once told Christiane, “If I took you out with me one evening, it’d blow your mind.”

She smiled and said she knew how crazy it is out there.

But I wonder… does she?

Has she walked down any inner-city back alleyways lately? Perhaps alone in the city at 4 a.m., phone out, locking eyes with masked thieves in the middle of stealing a car?

Would she know how to move in that situation?

I wondered, when was the last time she had no way of getting food for weeks at a time?

Has she truly felt the pulse of the world’s danger up close lately… not as a concept, but as an encounter?

There’s a difference between proximity and immersion. Between hearing about the rawness of life and living it.

And sometimes I wonder how many of our “guides” are offering truths from a distance they’ve never had to cross.

I know you’re sheltered and protected when it’s been a year and a half of genocide… and you’re still not attuned to what’s happening on the ground in Palestine. Christiane didn’t even know they are being starved to death as I write this. And I don’t mention this to shame her.

Just that level of detachment, of disconnection from the pain of the world, speaks volumes.

How can we talk about healing, about belonging, about spirit, about community, about love, about Earth, about Ancestors… about anything… while ignoring the cries of those who are being erased in real time?

Shouldn’t those guiding us in Ancestral Wisdom also be doing the work of decolonizing their own practices?

I couldn’t help but wonder about the shadow of her work. And by extension, the quiet shadow woven through so many of our "spiritual leaders" and their carefully curated agendas.

What is the point of all this inner work, all this ceremony and visioning and ancestral invocation… if not to rise up together when our sisters’ and brothers’ children are not just dying, they’re being bombed?

One thing I know deeply is myself… my body, and the signals it gives when something’s off. And for the first time in her presence, my body was on high alert.

Something had shifted in myself. I no longer experienced her as a wise elder… but as a wounded, guarded woman, resolved to protect herself and her small circle, rather than engage with the wider world, and by extension.. me.

During our conversation, I found myself questioning her motives. Was she offering guidance, or simply retreating in fear?

And I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe that this would be the last time I ever saw Christiane. Not out of anger or discontent or ill-will. Just a quiet, irreversible shift in the river. Something closing. Something ending. Something changing.

It’s all changing.

Always.

And maybe that’s the point, too. I don’t really know what Christiane is thinking. Every. I don’t actually know what’s in her heart.

I’m making up stories!

Some of which might be true, and some of which may just be projections of my own pain.

And maybe that’s the deeper invitation: to let the stories die.

But I also wonder… how useful is it, really, to let all tales and stories go?

Stories are human. They’re how we make sense of grief, love, loss, meaning.

And if a story ends up being true, was it ever just a story in the first place?

Or was it a truth waiting to be lived?

Or are all stories, even imagined ones, true in their own way?

Maybe it’s all a story.

Maybe it’s all true.

Maybe that’s the paradox of being human.

To let what happened simply be what it was.

I've done numerous ancestor-focused sessions with her… each essentially a sober, guided meditation. Recently, I shared how, after struggling with ketamine addiction and now five months sober, I was feeling disoriented.

I told her I wasn’t sure what was real anymore.

I said I needed help grounding myself again.

She offered no comfort… she didn’t even respond. Just a smirk.

And in that silence, I wondered: does she question the validity of this work too?

Her words echo in my mind…

“Leave here. I can't help you. Nobody can.”

If that’s true, Christiane, why do this work at all?

“Nurturing vibrant, intelligent human community. Tending our primary relationship with, and belonging to, the world. Fostering intimate engagement with the wild within and around us.”

Yet during my last session with her, this didn’t feel present.

“Our single task is that we remember that we belong—to each other, to the Earth, to Life and to our ancestors; that we live knowing our individual wellbeing is inextricably woven with our collective wellbeing.”

Is it really? When care disappears the moment I can no longer pay for it?

“Part practical guidance, part grandmothering, part soul-guiding and ancestral honoring and repair.”

Was that what I received? Perhaps.

Still… I appreciated her telling me to leave. Her words landed powerfully for me. I needed to hear them:

“Get out of here.
Step out of the pain story and find a place that needs your heart, and strong body, and sense of determination and devotion…
and devote yourself to it.
So vastly more noble and needed than devoting yourself to a woman.”

Yes.

This is the place I need… somewhere real.

And so I will go.

I will hold babies in places of suffering.

I will step more fully into the real world, and out of this bubble.

I will never again devote myself to a woman the way I have my entire life.

Instead, I will surrender all of my ideas about what my life is… or could be.

I will simply go, be with people, give my gifts, and find the place that welcomes, loves, and honors my heart and how I show up.

Because the truth is: I don’t think Christiane is wrong.

I do need to leave.

This place is too sheltered, too fake, too performative, too disconnected from the reality of the world for me.

What has happened to this place is tragic.

What has happened to me here is tragic.

This community in Colorado isn’t for me. It’s not real… not in the way I hoped. It feels elusive. Avoidant. Disconnected. Sheltered. A bubble protected from the world… and too often, a breeding ground for harm.

And that’s not to say, I’ve made some of the most meaningful connections of my entire life here. My entire existence has been forever changed from my time here.

I came here to heal, and that’s exactly what happened.

What a beautiful mess.

I also find it so curious… how many of my life-long guides and elders are falling away from me lately. Some through old age and death, others through distance or quiet endings. And some, like Christiane, through the turning tides of my own evolution.

Many of the elders I’ve sat with over the years… those who’ve held space for my questions, my grief, my fire… Many are on the edge of their next life. Seemingly all at a similar time.

And maybe that, too, is a sign.

A sign that I no longer need to seek truth outside myself.

That the last remaining answers live within me now.

In Spirit.

In silence.

In trust.

Perhaps it’s time I stop searching for guidance… and embody what a means to be a guide.

Maybe life is saying: you’ve been shaped enough. Now, help shape others.

The answers I’ve been seeking are in me now.

They always have been!

Maybe I am to walk an ancestral way… not one handed to me by others, but one already alive in my bones.

A way of seeing and moving through the world that remembers who I am, who I’ve always been, and who I came here to be.

Christiane herself admitted she wouldn’t live here if not for her family roots. That stuck with me.

I’ve spent years trying to plant something here. Trying to create family. But the soil never welcomed me.

Yes, I need to keep wandering.

To place myself back in the world.

To hold and love babies in Africa.

To help children.

To offer my gifts and love to people who need them… and want them.

Where my heart, my devotion, my art, and my love are received.

Where I’m met with warmth.

I’m learning that’s my home:

Mother Earth.

So I will save. I will build a cushion… not just to leave, but to begin a sacred migration.

I’ll rig out my car, make it livable, and travel the entire western hemisphere first.

I’ll serve, listen, offer my gifts wherever I’m called. And then, when it’s time, I’ll leave the car behind and go overseas.

This journey will take years.

It will come with many sacrifices: the idea of a stable home, of having a family, of setting down roots.

I have to let go of comfort.

Of safety.

Of the version of adulthood I once imagined for myself.

But this? This is the life that feels true.

A path guided by Spirit, not fear.

A life of presence, not performance.

And maybe that’s the only home I’ve ever truly needed: the long road. The giving. The becoming.

As I step away from this chapter, I also reflect on the contradictions I’ve witnessed in these healing circles.

The spiritual industry is so entangled with capitalism, and capitalism doesn’t honor human messiness.

It rewards distance. It penalizes need. It sells presence at a premium.

Many women in these circles remain single while selling relationship guidance. I’ve dated more than one. I’ve seen how they shift under this system. I’ve heard the behind-the-scenes stories. I’ve watched practices like Sexological Bodywork… intended for healing… become little more than sex.

Christiane once told me: women don’t really want men to give them what they say they want.

Even when they voice their dreams, they don’t want them fulfilled.

What a paradox. How can you love someone through a moving target?

By being willing.

It made me wonder how many of us actually know the kind of love we truly want… or need.

And it revealed what I now see as one of the great illusions of our time: that men only harm women, and women never harm men.

That when a woman causes pain, it’s justified.

That a man’s wound is not worth naming.

But it is.

And we are bleeding.

This is a war… not of weapons, but of absence. Of distortion. Of silence.

And in all this talk of healing, I don’t see us growing closer. I see us growing apart.

And yet… my life has been shaped in service to women.

In devotion.

In reverence.

In love.

More than 13 years of deep relational work. And still, I believe in the sacred power of connection.

But I also see what happens when the systems that promise healing reward performance.

When care is conditional.

When elders close their hearts.

When truth becomes too risky to hold.

I wonder if Christiane ever thinks about how she may be contributing to the very pain she claims to stand against.

Maybe this is the real work now:

to stop pretending it’s all working.

To be honest about what’s broken.

To tell the Truth.

Because sometimes, the deepest wisdom isn’t found in agreement… but in the friction between two people trying to stay human together.

And for me, I will keep choosing connection.

Not because it’s easy, but because it’s Sacred.

Because it’s real.

Because it’s what we are here to do.

</3 Echo

Raw truth from the edge of heartbreak, isolation, and the weight of staying alive.

Note: This piece contains reflections on loss, addiction, and suicidal thoughts. It is shared not as a cry for help, but as an offering of truth… for anyone else who has loved deeply and survived the silence.

It’s been two years.
Since she vanished.
Since the door closed and no explanation followed.
Since silence became my answer.

She didn’t scream.
She didn’t curse me out.
She just… left.
And still… I love her.

Not the ghost she became.
Not the stranger who walked past me at a music event with someone new and couldn’t even look at me.
But the woman I held.
The one who used to laugh with her whole body, who once looked at me like I was the answer.

That version of her…
the one I protected, prayed with, cooked for, held through ceremony, wrote poems for,
watched sleep like something sacred…
still lives in me.
Even if I no longer live in her world.

If you’re reading this with a chest full of ache and nowhere to place it…
I see you.

If you gave everything you had…
your time, your money, your loyalty, your patience, your softness,
your damn soul…
and still ended up alone…

You’re not crazy.

You’re just at the edge of the fire where love used to be.

I’ve devoted my whole life to love.
To women.
To relationships.
To healing.
To showing up.

I’ve shouted for feminism from the rooftops.
I’ve held women through trauma, through birth, through breakdowns.
I’ve watched over them in rituals, in grief, in silence.
I’ve bent my spine to protect them from harm.

And still… here I am.

Alone.

None of it mattered.

Since her, I’ve nearly become a father; twice.
Both children lost before they ever took a breath.

Do you know what it does to a man
to dream of holding life
only to bury it before it’s born?

I’ve done all the work.
All the right things.
Therapy. Meditation. Breathwork. Ceremony.
Stillness. Journals. Sobbing into the void.

But inside…
I’m starting to rot.

Because something in me is changing.
And I’m scared of what it might become.

I’m jaded.
I’m tired.
I’m starting to associate women with pain.

The people I loved the most…
the ones I gave my tenderness, my attention, my full presence…
have become the ones who disappeared,
gaslit me,
blocked me,
abandoned me in the name of boundaries.

And I’m the one who still gets called unsafe.

If I acted the way some of them have…
I’d be in jail.
I’ve been manipulated, emotionally & physically abused, left in states of collapse,
and then told I’m the one who couldn’t hold space.

I’m not saying this to erase what women go through.
I’m saying this to tell the truth:

Hurt isn’t gendered.
Abuse isn’t gendered.
Ghosting isn’t gendered.

Cruelty wears all faces.

And I’m starting to wonder:
What was the point of any of it?

What’s made it harder is the way community has quietly vanished too.

Every time a relationship ends,
I don’t just lose the person…
I lose the world around them.

I’ve been uninvited.
Excluded.
Edges of events, no longer center.
People were forced to pick sides,
and I became the one no one wanted to risk standing next to.

I’m not embraced.
I’m tolerated.

I’m not welcomed.
I’m managed.

And I’m so, so tired of being a ghost in the places I once helped build.

And when the heartbreak cracked something deeper…
I disappeared, too.

For four months, I didn’t see another human.
No one called.
No one came.

I spiraled into addiction.
Waking. Using. Sleeping. Numbing.
Over and over.
Just trying to forget the sound of her voice.
Trying to escape the kind of ache you can’t name without breaking open.

Nobody knew.
Or maybe they did…
but caring from a distance is safer than showing up.

That’s what I learned.

People love to perform concern,
but few know how to enter a room where someone is dying inside.

A few weeks ago, I passed out alone in my home.
I hit my head on the tile.
I got concussed.
And for a moment… I thought I was dying.

And do you know what I felt?

Relief.

Not fear.
Not sadness.
Relief.

Because maybe that would be the end of the ache.
Maybe this long, slow heartbreak could finally let go of me.

I’ve been wondering, more than I want to admit,
if maybe death is the solution to my pain.

Not because I want to die.

But because sometimes, living with this much tenderness
feels like its own kind of slow erosion.

And here’s where it gets harder to explain:

I’ve surrendered.

Not in bitterness. Not in strength.
In the way a body sinks when it’s too tired to swim.
In the way a candle surrenders to the dark when its flame finally flickers out.

I’ve surrendered to the truth that I may never hear from her again.
No apology.
No phone call.
No small sign that what we had was real.

And still… I love her.

I love someone who won’t even acknowledge I exist.
Who erased me like a chapter that never belonged in her book.

And I feel insane for that.
Insane for still loving someone who will never open the door again.
Insane for holding a candle no one’s coming to stand beside.

But this is what’s real:

My heart loves who it loves.

And I can’t force it to stop.
I’ve tried.
I’ve screamed at it.
Bargained with it.
Begged it to choose someone easier, safer, closer.

It won’t.
Because real love doesn’t end just because someone walks away.

And I’ve stopped trying to kill the part of me that still loves her.

Now, I just hold it.
Gently.
Like a bruise I no longer flinch to touch.

And yet… in this hollowed-out space of destruction and surrender…
something wild has begun to grow.

Clarity.
Purpose.
Art.

It’s unbelievable, the amount of beauty pouring through me.
It doesn’t feel like mine. It feels like the ache itself is speaking.
Like the grief cracked open a portal, and now creation won’t stop rushing in.

Painting. Writing. Sculpting. Building immersive worlds out of heartbreak.

I’ve realized:
This is part of my work.
To alchemize pain into something people can feel.
To transform silence into song.
To take the devastation and shape it… into stories, into color, into breath.

This isn't a silver lining.
This is the fire itself… forging me into something new.

And maybe that’s why I’m still here.

I still love her.
But I will not die for someone who pretends I was never real.

And maybe you’re here too…
still orbiting around a person who ghosted you and called it healing.
Still hoping the silence will eventually say something kind.

Let me say it for them:

You deserved better.

So we walk.
Not because we’re healed.
But because we’re still alive.

We carry what they left us.
We build beauty from what they didn’t stay to see.
We stop begging for closure and start becoming it.

You can still love them.

Just don’t make that love your coffin.

You are allowed to be hurt.
You are allowed to be angry.
You are allowed to say… this broke something in me.

But don’t confuse heartbreak with failure.

You loved hard.
That’s not weakness.
That’s proof.

This is where you return to yourself.
This is where it begins again.
Not with their voice…
with your own.

Still here.
Still soft.
Still walking.

With you.

</3 Echo

A riverbank confession of love, accountability, and gentle growth.

I held your moonlit grief,
turned it toward my own reflection,
and left your wounds shivering
in night air that should have warmed us both.

Your eyes asked for water;
I handed you a mirror,
then wondered why you stepped away thirsty.

By dawn I walk the riverbank,
pockets heavy with stones I once hurled.
I lay them in ever-widening circles,
each rock a sarcastic spark,
each ripple a promise to speak softer.

A heron lifts through the mist.
Its wings beat three small prayers:
listen, pause, listen.

Here, beside the spiral of apology,
I write your name in sand
and do not wait for any tide to answer.
If these lines never cross your doorstep
may they still light the rooms I enter after you.

If one day they find you…
folded,
forgotten…
touch the paper; feel my pulse inside it.

I am learning to stay when the sky goes dark,
to leave every door on its hinges,
to carry water, not matches,
to ask what the storm needs
before naming the clouds.

Love does not end; it apprentices.
I practice in secret,
holding back my own thunder,
waiting until the small bird in your throat
is sure it can sing.

Should our paths braid again,
may your heart recognize
the hush in my hands
and rest there, unafraid.

</3 Echo

From ashes we rise - reborn, reshaped, renewed.

I arrived Home,

only after going Home.

Home, that elusive place,

now lives within moments,

in Community,

among Humans I Love and Serve.

For a year I wrote nothing.

I lived instead,

deeply,

painfully,

beautifully.

Loss found me,

and never left.

It took everything:

Beloveds, unborn children, family, pets,

money, possessions, purpose…

my sense of Self,

Spirit,

my Mind.

I lost until losing was my only teacher.

I surrendered…

control,

desire,

destinations,

attachments.

Life broke me open,

and gently placed me

in Presence.

The Dark Night came

and lasted nine months…

a Re-birth.

I fell apart,

disillusioned with borrowed wisdom,

yearning only for truths already in my bones.

I wept,

screamed,

begged,

and wished to die.

Yet, in that same darkness,

I discovered unseen parts of my Spirit.

Visions arrived,

Art flowed,

community shifted,

my purpose clarified.

I rose from ashes,

like a Phoenix…

but first came the Burning.

For years I’d chased healing,

endless rituals,

courses,

teachings.

Now, I simply dance with life,

integrating every lesson learned…

trusting experience as my greatest teacher.

Ancient wisdom whispered softly:

“There are no mistakes.

Just lessons repeating until learned.”

All answers,

already within me,

in my bones and blood.

I build,

I create,

in Sacred Service to Spirit,

my heart aligned with truth.

In the desert,

amid dust and flames,

I found my mirror,

reflecting every joy,

and every shadow.

My grief poured unfiltered,

held by friends who truly loved.

This year,

after rebirth,

my energy softened,

grounded,

gentle.

Stress became calm acceptance.

Love arrived unexpected,

transformative,

healing wounds buried deep.

Yet pain remained:

Medicine turned poison,

my body broke,

my plans scattered,

lessons taught through collapse.

Burning the Man and Temple

was alchemy…

pieces of myself,

burned to ash,

reborn, remembered.

And now ,

I wear the ashes of grief,

for 80,000 people

around my neck,

Every day.

Love and loss intertwined,

giving birth to transformation.

I learned deeply:

we laugh together,

yet weep alone.

We cherish tenderness,

yet seldom share the ache.

Heartbreak reshaped me.

Abandonment opened me.

Emotional violence taught me boundaries,

pain became my greatest muse.

Art now emerges

from the depth of wounds,

paintings,

sculptures,

stories,

service.

My creations infused

forever

with grief

and love.

I learned:

Hurt people, hurt people…

or they create Art.

I’m done with hearts freely broken,

with lies,

abuse,

chewed up truths.

Now I simply share my heart,

my shattered heart,

as it is…

unapologetic.

The next chapter:

Slowness,

stillness,

quiet reflection,

dance, play, ritual,

creation through story, paint, sculpture.

Listening, learning,

loving, nourishing,

connection,

presence.

I’m grateful for the desert,

for nurturing,

connecting,

bewildering,

welcoming me home,

exactly as I am.

When everything else falls away,

what remains?

Myself,

Mother Nature,

and Spirit.

Let it burn.

Let me burn.

From ashes,

something new.

I’m ready,

for something new.

</3 Echo

Something that binds us all together: the experience of Grief and Loss. It's a weight we carry; a journey that feels non-linear and senseless.

Soulmates act as mirrors, offering an opportunity for profound learning. Tell me, if I desire Love… will I be just given Love? Or given the opportunity to Love?

In the midst of the pain, an opportunity emerges to heal the wounds left by my Father & my Mother. Mirrors reflecting my tone, defensiveness, and the relationship between my emotional and physical self become crystal clear. An opportunity… to find my Voice, my Dance, my People, and my Ancestors. An opportunity to heal abandonment and attachment wounds. An opportunity for boundaries and clarity. An opportunity for deeper levels of Love-Making. An opportunity to step into a new era of Wholeness. An opportunity to remember that we can deeply Love and care for the things that we can’t have. An opportunity to Create.

The pain alchemizes into a gift, revealing illusion: the children we didn't get to raise, the home we didn't get to build, the depths of love left undiscovered, the adventures we lost, dances together are now dances alone, dreams destroyed, sacred union that isn’t real, art we didn’t create, ways we won’t grow… grieving not just the loss of Her, but also the life that we didn’t get to live.

Loss. Loss. Loss. Friends. Grandparents. Nephew. Beloved. Illusions. Aspects of Self. It all dies. Each new day brings forward loss… and a palpable fear - not of death - but of ending up alone, unheard and unseen.

The only way out, is through the pain. Feeling it all. They don’t tell you how much it will hurt to feel. And the Grief comes in waves. I’m unsure if we ever really stop carrying it. We Grieve the weight of the World, together, every day.

In these constant endings, lies growth, discovery, and healing. Birth. Creation. New. Every loss is a step into the light; revealing shadows and teaching valuable lessons. Life is delicate; a constant balance between loss and creation.

Love is fragile, a flame. Don’t let it burn out of control, and don’t let it flicker out. Dear Flame Tender - Be careful with your Love, and tend to your delicate flame… for once it's gone, you may never have it again.

Perhaps the greatest risk we take is to Love… to connect deeply with another human being. 

Perhaps there is no other-half of me; I’m both disillusioned, and Whole - scars from no longer bleeding wounds.

Wading in the Grief, I constantly unveil parts of my Self.

I am defined by my Heart. And Life will continue without me.

Oh Grief, we build Temples to hold and move you. It takes great courage to be with you.

The risk of Love has to involve Heartbreak, doesn’t it?

Grief, old friend, thank you for the wisdom in your pain.

</3 Echo

I have been grappling with intense feelings of a powerful emotion: Anger.

My anger burns hot and feels dangerous, yet at the same time it can be empowering. In a world where anger is often seen as unacceptable, the question of what to do with it and how it can be useful is becoming increasingly relevant to me. It can be a challenge to navigate our emotions, especially those that are considered taboo or unacceptable in society. I'm learning that anger can be a catalyst for growth and change, if we are willing to face it head on.

Anger is a feeling that has been a constant presence in my life, stemming from a variety of sources - things like; my relationship with my family, past experiences of bullying, conflicts with friends and co-workers. I am also deeply impacted by larger societal issues, from the systemic injustices in our world, to hyper-capitalism and the pressure to constantly be "doing" instead of simply "being."

My anger has been a powerful force in my life, and I've realized it's essential to acknowledge it, process it, and channel it in a productive way. It's not always easy, and it's crucial for my own growth and well-being. I'm grateful for the moments where I've been able to confront my anger and understand the roots of it. I’m grateful for friends that shine a light on my Shadow. By naming my anger, feeling it fully, and moving through it, I have been able to transform my relationship with this emotion. This has allowed me to find a way to use it as a source of strength and motivation.

I understand that everyone's experience with Anger is unique. I hope you can discover a healthy relationship with your Anger. I hope you find yourself un-afraid to feel your emotions fully and completely. I hope you are able to find support in community, and work through your own feelings of anger in a transformative way.

</3 Echo

A nugget around “Identity” that has come through in my writing during this cocooning period grieving five deaths of those that I love this year.

In a way, I get to choose my identity (my identity of Self). And I don’t (how others identify me). For a large chunk of my 20’s, I was especially grappling with my identity. Not sure who I really was, how I fit in this world, what’s mine to do, or how I want to be. My identity was largely formed during those years based on my perception of how others would like to see or experience me.

Integrity is very much so tied to how I identify. If I think something about myself, yet don’t actually move in that way… then I just feel like I’m full of shit.

In my 20’s, I recall a day where it felt like my identity was totally split:

I started a day waking up in a car, in the dead of winter, without a home. I’m a homeless man.

I made a couple moves to make money. I’m a hustler.

I do drugs throughout my day. I’m an addict.

I make love with a woman. I’m a lover.

I share something with a friend. They fill in the blanks and reflect a story that isn’t true. I don’t correct them, because they like the story they made up. And so they like me. I’m lonely.

I go to the library to program and try to build a business. I’m an entrepreneur.

Throughout my day, I don’t really know who I am, or what I’m doing, or why. I’m lost.

I cry myself to sleep. I’m in pain.

I abruptly awake. I draw in a notebook, and write in my diary. I’m an artist.

Before I fall asleep again, a white owl flys into my window. I am Spirit. To this day, I carry the question…. “Who am I?”.

Now, my answer is always the same.

"I am.”

The less I label, or identify myself internally, the more I allow myself to just be, as I am, without shame, fear, or guilt. Call me whatever you want; I am just a messy human, wading his way through life, one moment at a time… exploring, embracing, learning, growing, changing…. Constantly. My identity is a moving target.

I will be sitting with this topic a lot more. I want to get more clarity around my identity and what that means to me. This is what’s alive for me right now.

What does ‘identity’ mean to you?

Who are you?

</3 Echo

I’ve both felt, and been reflected to, that I’m a very sensitive human being. This felt like a problem for more than half of my life. Now, I know it's not a “problem” - rather, more of a super power. And, something that can be developed.

As I’ve moved through the world, it’s apparent to me that there is generally this black and white, gender-based way of thinking about sensitivity in Men and Women.

I see Sensitivity as personal - shaped by experiences and a willingness to embrace emotions.

My journey isn't a pursuit of happiness. To me, it’s all a path to FEELING MORE. Attuning moment-to-moment to what is happening, both inside and outside of myself. It's about embracing every emotion, sensation, and being present with what is. Not avoiding, hiding, or numbing – but rather, integration.

I've experienced leaning in to my especially challenging feelings, and moments, as a path to Harmony. There-in lies my work deepening my intuition, my knowing, my truth, and my connectedness.

This weekend, amidst the mountains and stars, late into the evening and early morning, a deeply intimate and passionate moment with my Beloved was disrupted as a candle we had lit flickered out. There was no wind. It felt very strange. Uncomfortable. We couldn’t name why, or reason it out- but something felt eery and ominous. The energy was disruptive.

Unsettled the next morning, it paralleled a somber truth: my 17 year old nephew's passing.

Was this a connection, or coincidence?

I lean in to these moments to delve deeper; seeking truth and meaning. I faced it all, feeling intensely within my practices, partnership, family, the unseen, and community.

And, I'm noticing that the grief I carry isn't just mine – it's really a shared weight. It's taken quite some awareness to discern what is mine, what's not, and what is OURS. It's bewildering, enlightening, inspiring, and painful.

Through embracing feelings, and becoming more attuned to myself and others, I'm crafting a profound connection with life's enigmatic facets.

His death has been a gift; revealing the depths of my relationships, and the depths of my Heart.

It's transformed our family.

His child will still be born.

We will Love her, so deeply.

And, we get to walk every day... carrying him with us.

Thank you for reading.

</3 Echo

"I’ve attended many funerals this year. All of them were mine." - Emma Zeck

My Rose painting is finished.  It is called “LXNN”. A 12x12 inch oil painting on wood panel. The original is off to a private collection.

This piece is imprinted with Consciousness, Energy & Love that will span generations. This piece is about Love, Presence, & Emotion. The Divine Feminine & Masculine. I offered it as a gift to all that is a Sacred. Many parts of me died with this piece. And many parts will live on.

I will be offering limited edition prints of LXNN soon. Stay tuned.

I’m noticing so many helpful and beautiful lessons being reflected through both new and old friends lately. They remind me that my Love is my Love, and I will express it how I need to. They remind me how painting is my most pure form of expression. It’s such deep, Sacred Work… my Art. Really in all it’s forms- writing, painting, animation, pictures/videos, experiences, my Life… I think a piece of my Spirit gets infused into any of my physical Art manifestations, and people can literally have it. They can feel it, experience it- far beyond my lifetime. And theirs. So, the more I show up and give to my Art from this place of Sacred Love, the more I’m noticing it’s impact and effect on others, the World, My World... in how it’s received.

Reflections.

-

I have been spending SO. MUCH. TIME. Just Being with Mother Nature lately. Wandering, playing, feeling, sitting. It’s a place true nourishment.

Where this flower picture was taken, has been my Sit Spot for the past few years. I’ve been meeting with the same rock here, every season; Watching the land, animals, seasons- Mother Earth- change. Just as I have been witnessing myself changing with Her. This place was the first place I wandered after moving to Colorado years ago. I feel so grounded & connected at this specific location. I’ve worked through and felt into A LOT, right here, on a freaking rock. I experience visions, messages, downloads, stillness, wonder… everything happens here. And nothing happens here.

What I feel into, becomes expressed through my Artwork, Creativity, & Gifts that I offer the World.

I’ve been coming here almost every day lately. Sit & Feel. Move & Feel. Feel. And while this Spot will always hold a special place in my Heart, I think it’s time to Witness & Connect with the Mother somewhere else.

I think every year now, I’ll find a new Sit Spot, and be with the changing seasons there... Allowing new energy, perspectives, and lessons to come through. To see what comes alive in different areas of the Land.

I think I'm starting to fully Show Up in my life right now. And it's looking like a whole New World. I have been watching literally zero TV; avoiding numbing out pretty much at all in any form, over the past few months. I’ve been mostly just painting, playing music, reading, practicing, learning, connecting with humans, and spending time with Mother Nature. Being here with whatever comes in each moment. I'm not chasing any thing or anyone. No dreams or illusions. I don't need to. I just need to Be Here, Now. And so, I'm free.

-

Waking up to 'Consciousness' in this way has made quitting cigarettes pretty easy. It’s been my last remaining ‘vice’ for a while now. I’ve tried multiple times over the past decade to stop, and it always felt impossible. I especially couldn't handle the cravings then.

So even with the whirlwind of emotions I’ve been experiencing this year- just being able to notice my body, cravings, impulses- and take my Awareness elsewhere, remembering to be present- has made all the difference. This is a 10 year…. Generational habit I’m breaking… and it has felt so aligned and easeful. Deeper understanding of the Self and shifting perspectives has helped too. I won’t ever smoke anything ever again. It’s literally traumatic for me to smoke, because it is tied to really negative childhood experiences of mine.

So now, I'm back in a space of having no dependence on anything but myself and love to function. It is freaking liberating. From now on, I’ll just be keeping some tea around.

I remember frequently to maintain awareness around where my awareness is (ya, that's confusing); but that is kind of the first step of depth. It’s quite simple, for example: Is my awareness on my friend or partner's dissatisfaction; my failings; what I want, but I’m not getting? … Or is my awareness on the depth of this moment; sensations in my body; and beauty of life all around me?

In the Spirit of being Seen; I did a prayer with my bodyworker a day or two after this 2nd awakening around the Divine Feminine and Forgiveness / My Experience. It was terrifying, and mystical. I’m grateful for how she held space for us to do this. She stood in front of me, while I was on my knees, speaking from my Heart. I gave her a stone to hold. It was healing- to bring what I had seen and learned to someone else. It's seeming as if nothing is actually real unless it's shared.

After the prayer, during our session, we were working on a spot on my leg that I had injured when hiking recently. I ran harder than I have in a very long time, moving some of the pain and emotions I was feeling around my last relationship. When she was putting pressure on this spot, I could feel it connected to my Heart. I asked her if this was true, and she shared that it took Chinese medicine thousands of years to figure out what this same spot is connected to.

Injuring this spot, connected to my Heart, while working through Heartbreak, and feeling that connection in my body when she put pressure on it- was no coincidence.

I’m owning how much my past relationship broke me. Broke my heart, my hope, my trust… AND broke my layered, protective shells so beautifully wide open. It helped change my life.

I’m realizing this Work isn’t really necessarily a path to happiness… But rather a path to the depths of feeling and living from my heart. Living in Purpose. A big part of my happiness is freedom, and I find exactly that in every single present moment. And I have access to this freedom anywhere, at any time.

It is not the receiving of Love that has necessarily made me happy. It is the giving of Love that has completely changed my life.

I’ve been so very into breathwork recently- by myself, being seen, and just when I'm going through my day. It's becoming very integrated.

I’ve been really enjoying circles/events around this with some friends at Inner Light Revival. It's an edge for me... There’s something terrifying, and deeply nourishing being seen in a pure form of expression, moving it through my body. I really enjoy how it's a safe container where that kind of thing is accepted, not shamed.

Some events are a mix of a sound healing journey/gong baths too- which I especially enjoy. Two artists I got to experience recently while doing breathwork are Sara Emmitt and Yaima. Check them out.

-

There is a deep, deep Knowing in all things that I can see in how my body responds, feels, & experiences. When I reflect back, it has always been right, 100% of my entire life. It can sense so much more than my mind. It was just so good to be reminded that my intuition, feelings, and connectedness throughout my body runs deep and true. It was a reminder that I’m not crazy- you’re not crazy- our minds are what get in the way of our deep Knowing. When I’m Here & Now, I can feel everything, I can see everything, and my thoughts float by like clouds. It’s almost as if my mind becomes useless in that space. And I can just listen and feel into my body. It’s beautiful.

That is magical to me. My body and intuition has always been so locked in when I’m fully showing up in my life. And I can't see these gifts... these messages... if I'm not fully ripped open (in the most amazing way). I’m not running from how deeply I can feel things anymore. So while I seek deep understanding and wisdom, I have that already present in my body.

The Body Knows. Remember that.

As I’ve gone deeper into this Work, I’m noticing how dangerous it can be. It's scary. It can be so very confusing. Narcissist’s & Sociopaths, or anyone with ill or unconscious intentions really, can use these skills and tools in really harmful ways. In a sense, they are designed to have you feeling confused, dependent, scared, shamed, obedient.

The reality is that a lot of this knowledge has been handed down and exists within power structures. And I'm particularly noticing a very disturbing trend with white cis men teaching it. "Leaders", "Gurus", "Coaches", "Therapists"... whatever the F. And Women too have been influenced and perpetuate unconsciously to this extent. It's so sneaky and cunning. It works so well and it's really freaking hard to see while it's happening.

I’m not becoming totally hopeless in this sense- but more-so learning to be thoughtful, and not just blindly trust all of the knowledge passed down and taught this way. In books. Wherever. These lessons are really important for me at this point. Learning this way is new for me. I've spent most of my time sitting with Elders in the Woods and experiencing life as my teacher. So I can’t trust within these power structures like I can in other areas of my life. It really is a beautiful lesson. I need to really feel into what’s in integrity, true, and from a place of love- for me, and in my body- when learning from others in this space. And from that place, carry what is True for me in my Heart and out into the World.

The deepest wisdom I have lives in my body and in my experiences.

So ya, it seems most of these self-help people come from a place of “my way or the highway” or "this way is the right way" - and that makes me feel like my experience of life is inferior. And that's just total bullsh*t.

So- Self awareness is probably the most important thing here when making my way through all of this. Did Socrates buy a book or course on changing the World? No. He just did it. He experienced it. He lived it.

So things like David Deida's book “The Way of the Superior Man” - is actually pretty arrogant to me. Some white cis man created these rules to live my life like a Superior Man, and I should just act that way to feel that way? 

It actually feels like a way to disguise who I really am, and how I really feel about my life.

How can I create a deep, open, and powerful connection a partner while I'm trying to remember to live as if I could die at any given moment?

Is a Superior Man really one who lives his life by rules in a book, or defined by "gurus"? Or is a Superior Man one who lives and embodies his truth in every single freaking moment?

So... it seems all of this Self-help stuff can be a double-edged sword. It can make you closed, hurtful, and unconscious... or it can make you open-hearted and deeply felt. It can turn you into a narcissist asshole, or someone with a realistic and healthy sense of Sacred Self and Relationship. It can help you get clarity on living in a way where you and the World rise, or it can lead you down a darker path – where you and humanity suffer. It can liberate consciousness, or perpetuate unconscious behavior. 

Sidenote- I think it's especially dangerous in areas like Boulder, where there are a lot of vulnerable, fragile people seeking help, healing and support.

Anyways, I hope Women take over the world really soon. I think we’ll be much better off :)

So... I’m approaching all of this Work in that cautious way - understanding that it can be both helpful, and dangerous. I’m almost completely done with all of John Wineland’s Online Workshop. I’ve done every single Masculine, Feminine, & Partner Practice (there’s over 100 based on various traditions), and recorded them all on my phone while I went through them. So now, I have them for the rest of my life. I’ve watched through every lesson on the Masculine, Feminine, & Spiritual Intimacy. I’ve done all the homework and inventories on my own life. And while I’ll still be integrating / working with John, going to "The Embodied Men's Leadership Intensive" at Mt. Shasta in October... I can really slow down there, continue to integrate what's true for me, and work with some other aspects of my being in a more focused way (more on that in the future). His work has helped change my life, I don't agree with it all, and it is dangerous. I'm curious to meet and feel into some of these Men, John, and what we might get up to.

And honestly, Mt. Shasta is on one of the Ley Lines of the Earth, so I've always wanted to feel into the Mother's energy there anyways. That alone is worth the trip to me.

I started reading a few of these books I bought recently too. Right now, I’m poking around in Gene Keys / Human Design things more slowly, while reading lots of poetry, and learning more about trauma.

But not too much. Not too fast. More remembering to just Be. Slowing down. Slowww.

Also- check out Jeff James Howard. I'm truly grateful for this human being. He's been a very meaningful presence in my life. If you’re around Boulder and seeking guidance, I would highly suggest that you connect with this Man. He is co-leading a retreat “The Empowered Man” at Elkstone Farms in Steamboat Springs in October. And leads some of the Men’s Groups I’ve mentioned in the Kiva. In my experience, he’s a really good man of integrity.

And Jack Shure. I want to acknowledge you too. Thank you for teaching me to oil paint with the Gods.

-

I want to be Seen. I want to be Heard. Received. I want to be Raw. I want to share my experiences. I want to make a freaking mess. Express what's True, from my Heart. I want my words to pierce you. I want to be unfiltered and unrestricted. I’m done with thinking. I'm feeling. I won't feed this illusion that we all have it figured out. I don’t. I Know Nothing. My Truth is arising. Give me Passion. Give me Depth. Give me Love. Give me Intimacy. Give me Vulnerability. Give me Crazy. Give me Truth. Open your Heart.

I am Mr. Nobody.

I’m not a Leader. I’m not Woke. I’m not a Coach. I’m not a Therapist. I’m F’d up and I’m hurt. I'm Here and I Love. I’m blissful and I'm broken. We all are.

In this space, I am free.

Just the Self- Witnessing nothing; feeling everything; destroying everything around me; letting everything within me, die. To be reborn.

I’m feeling more alive than I ever have.
 

From my Heart.

</3 Echo

Back to writing. Where I feel most safely, and best expressed. Where I feel most clearly felt, and received- especially when communicating through the medium of our devices. 

Back to this space of rawness and vulnerability. Wordplay and expression. This feels aligned. Even refreshing. It is a space where I feel that I can articulate myself more thoughtfully, deeply, and communicate more clearly with care- for myself, and for others. 

I am a human best felt & experienced in-person. And so this video/vlogging thing that I’ve been trying to use as a means to communicate and express lately, has me feeling lost in translation. And so, I will save that energy & presence for the moments I experience in my human form. 

Here, digitally, moving forward- I will go back to expressing & sharing my experiences and lessons primarily through written word, accompanied with videos/images from my life’s journey. I think you will feel me more deeply & clearly in this space, this way. Writing is one of my true gifts. I am ending this pattern of putting my gifts on a shelf for later, and/or pretending that they don’t exist.

I write. I paint and make art. I sit with Mother Nature. I share my Heart. Deep spiritual work is important to me. I help and serve others. This is just who I am.

My life is Art. And my Art is Sacred Service. In the name of Love.

The past few months of this life has fully ripped me open- in both the most beautiful, and painful, ways. It’s polarizing. Life seems to really hit me in full force when the real, emotional pain arrives. I was starved for emotional support and love as a child. And in ways, that felt like Death growing up.

Opening amongst the pain is where I’ve experienced some of the most magical moments, and learned some of the most meaningful lessons in my life. I do not seek pain. But there is so much deep wisdom there (how many people learn a lot during the ‘good times’ anyways?)…and so when it comes, I try and use it, rather than collapse (although that has happened too). 

—

This time around, when the un-welcomed pain arrived… I fully fvcking opened to it… in ways that  I never have before. And something has happened. Something huge. My entire existence has changed. It’s like The Infinite gave me some new eyeballs. A new lens through which to see the World.

My entire relationship culminated in an “Awakening” of sorts. Right at the very end. It was my second such experience. I will admit, my concept of these experiences themselves is even shattering. I don’t really know what to call them or how to explain them. It’s like Spirit visiting…. Being touched by the Divine Feminine/Masculine… Taking the Red Pill out of the Matrix… Realizing Self, Trauma, Behavior and Presence. A Mystical experience. A result of Men’s work. A mix of everything I’m supposed to learn culminating in a fully felt embodied experience, all at once. I don’t know. Something really unexplainable happens.

When I ‘woke up’ the first time almost a decade ago, it was like waking up to God, The Infinite, and Myself. So it was more just about me- my actions, thoughts, feelings, ways of being, feeling, seeing… I felt connected (or maybe even disconnected, in a beautiful way). I could Trust. I could feel the Unseen. I could see all the magic working in my life, especially if I was just open to it. Nothing was a coincidence anymore. It was like I could see myself & God together for the first time. Inside. And I felt it. I was granted so much peace and understanding in those moments.

This 2nd awakening was that same type of feeling, only the message was different. It was like waking up to myself in Relationship & Connection to everything else- not just myself & God. I woke up to Presence, Connection, Awareness, Depth, Love, Relationship, Purpose… 

—

I cried for 10 hours straight. I have no idea how the body can even create that amount of tears. The sadness and pain I felt ran way deeper than just my experience. It cut so deep that I could feel all of the Feminine’s suffering & pain- within myself & Other. It actually destroyed me. I was on my knees, arms open, rooted and connected, begging forgiveness for all of mine, and the Masculine’s unconscious ways. It’s been Generations of this shyt. I could feel how badly She is starving for Love. Dying to be Seen. Held. Felt. Lead. Honored. And I have been a part of that suffering in the past. My unconscious masculine behavior has shown up in every one of my past relationships. And I couldn’t ever see it… until this Moment arrived. 

Why does it take so long to get the message sometimes? Why couldn’t I see it sooner? I guess that’s not really how life works. I could finally see so clearly how I act/experience unconsciously when in relationship with others- friends, family, lovers, animals, really all beings. It all became so specific and clear. 

Maybe a good way to explain the experience is that it was like waking up to Consciousness, Awareness & Presence. Like okay, now I can feel everything, AND witness it all. I can be fully in it, and fully see it. And I can play within those realms. I can take my Awareness ANYWHERE. And that way of existing is part of the Masculine/Feminine polarity of the Universe. Go ahead, look at the very center of an Atom. It’s 90% empty space, and then Energy swirling. The Masculine & The Feminine. Right there, in everything. All of us.

—

And so… I could see how once I get in relationship with a life partner (and especially if we live together in the same home), I would slowly but quickly start to fall asleep. And I couldn’t ever see it once I start snoozing, nonetheless pull myself out of it. This realization was fvcking painful. In this unconscious state of being, I carry so many things that just aren’t mine. I become some messed up mutated mix of how all of my partners acted in relationship, with a mix of traumatized childhood Michael, dying for Love. It’s totally twisted. It disgusts me in ways. In those moments, the lessons cut so deep. I hated how I wasn’t ready/couldn’t see any of this for so long. I’ve fallen asleep and become that mutated weirdo in all of my relationships- and I could never see it. Until now? Why? And it feels like I just stumbled here somehow? I guess it doesn’t matter Why.

I couldn’t recognize how any of my childhood trauma & experiences was showing up in relationship until then. And I didn’t know how to work with it. It sucks- I would end up acting out all the ways my parents existed in relationship- especially in ways like prioritizing everything else in life BUT Love and sharing the depths of my Heart. This realization wrecked me. I fvcking exist for Love. To give Love. Embody Love. Share Love. It’s part of my Purpose. So, existing that way feels terrible.

Another part of my experience felt like an initiation into Sacred Manhood. Not this BS toxic masculine stuff that’s been going on for centuries. There is literally zero initiation into Manhood in 2021. There’s no path. No guides. No playbook. No structure. Even, for example, in some indigenous cultures- initiation to Manhood would look something like surviving a pit of Snakes for 7 days, then boom, make it out alive, and you’re a Man.

—

So, my examples of what it means to be a Man, Masculine, Lead or Show Up in relationship… or do anything really Sacred growing up…. just doesn’t resonate with my Heart. These examples haven’t really helped me at all. They’ve been more confusing than anything. They haven’t been a good example of how to be a Lover. How to be Present. How to notice my behavior. How to get support around my issues. How to create safe containers for different forms of expression. Even “S3xual Education” classes in school were pretty much a biology class. (Excuse me, there’s way more to S3xuality than human bodies fitting together like puzzle pieces, Mrs. Henderson. Thanks.)

I don’t fault or blame anyone for any of this. It’s just my experience. Hard lessons. Beautiful Truths.

It’s so fascinating to me… I came here to Colorado with the intention to Heal, and I never would have imagined it would look anything like this. This is far from easy. And I can’t just meditate or ecstatic dance my way out of feeling all of this. This is decades and generations of stuff to unpack.

And it so wild to me that it took an entire string of events over the course of the past 3.5 years to wake me up in this way. Right up until there was no more opportunity for repair left, and connection severed. Only THEN, was I gifted new eyes. It’s maybe the biggest BOTH/AND of my life. I’m so grateful for these lessons, and I am fully ripped open. Ouch. Butterfly emerging from the cocoon.

—

The way my relationship ended, it triggered pretty much all of my unconscious habits, old programming, trauma responses, and reactions in such a toxic way. I found myself having drug cravings for the first time since I can even remember. Heavy Fight/Flight modes. Rapid shifts of emotion full spectrum from Rage to Sadness to Acceptance to Forgiveness to WTF to ???. Anxious ticks. Body shakes/shockwaves. I was chain smoking cigarettes. Bursting out emotion at the wrong/unsafe people (Mini Lesson: I have a Feminine Emotional Body; so I need safe containers to express that way. Or BOOM Sagittarius FIRE BOMB). Scrambling for repair. Hanging on to Hope as a means of survival. No sleep. Barely eating. And I didn’t run from any of my feelings this time around. I welcomed more in. Whatever wanted to arise, I let it. 

Who the F started shaming people for feeling and grieving, anyways? 

And labeling people with a description that’s like a one-size-fits-all clinically identified emotion? 

Going and hiding in a corner until “I work it out alone” does not work well either.

—

A massive part of what’s been helping shift everything so quickly and meaningfully for me during this time is Men’s Work. What that looks like for me right now involves working with John Wineland in the realms of Masculine/Feminine Polarity, S3xuality, Intimacy, Depth, Purpose, Relationship & Embodiment. It looks like hours of active practice (and by practice I mean things like breathwork, meditation, kundalini, Qigong, prayer, bioenergetics, tantra, taoism…), each day. Every day. Instead of numbing out, I bought like 50 books around spirituality, relationship, communication, shadow work, human design, s3x, love, and intimacy. I’ve been studying, learning, & integrating. I haven’t been distracting myself- but rather deepening. I re-prioritized everything in my life, putting this Work and Love right at the very top again. As it should be. I reached out for support from other Men around my experience- and they showed up like freaking rockstars. I’ve been going to sound healing journeys. Ecstatic Dance. Breathwork circles. Body Work. Ancestral Work. Somatics. Therapy. I’m running up the mountain, and sitting on a rock to meditate for an hour when I get there. 

It’s just important that I’m opening, and not hiding and collapsing into a shell. 

These practices have allowed me to move so much energy and emotions that has literally been stored in my bones, my DNA, my body… for 30+ years. And it’s important that I’m doing these practices with myself, another human, and in community. 

I’ve been noticing feelings and experiences are arising that I totally drowned in my psyche as a child- mostly because they were so painful to deal with at the time. I didn’t have the tools to deal with certain experiences. Feelings & experiences totally unrelated to my breakup have been coming through recently. And it can get confusing in that space- what is what- and then figuring out how to work with all these different things.

—

And so… I’ve created intentional space just to do this spiritual work and heal all these aspects of my being- so that I can show up more Whole in the World. And I’m doing this work in a very committed, conscious and supported way, for the rest of the year. For the rest of my life.

I’m remembering myself- my presence- my love. Opening to and feeling everything. And it’s changed my life. I’m transforming in such magnificent, meaningful ways. I can see so very differently. It’s borderline psychedelic. Everything I need is right Here. Now. I’ve sat on my couch more than ever before- and not to watch Netflix or numb out. Just to feel. Feel. It. All. To practice. I want to Work with it all right now. It just feels aligned. And if it is all only for the sake of deepening my Love that I get to share with the World- than I am so very grateful for that opportunity. 

There is still so much Work to do. Nobody can heal my trauma. Patch up my wounds. I have to do that. It’s my responsibility.

I am not my parents. Some of the parts of them in me have been slowly dying over the years, but now it feels like a mass exorcism. I can’t smoke cigarettes- my father habitually did that. His father did that. I can’t smoke weed, drink alcohol- my stepfather did that, and then he would get abusive. My self-regulation ’ticks’ are from my Mom. The way I react is the way I learned to react as a means of survival from when I was young. Success being more important than Love is not me- it’s how my parents existed in relationship. So many of their/my lineages behaviors have been passed on to me- and it feels almost invasive. Like it’s not really my essence, but it takes me over if I’m not Aware, Grounded, and Connected. If I’m not HERE, NOW, my shadow comes out to play. And I can’t do anything about it or even notice it unless I’m practicing and showing up for myself in my life and relationship different than I have in the past.

—

So now that I can see all of the ways this stuff shows up in my adult life, I have to work with it. I have to remove it from my ways of being, and then lovely invite it back into my Heart. My Heart can handle all of it. And more. 

It just tears me up how much all of this trauma and childhood experiences has impacted my entire life and relationships. I’m thankful I can see it now, work with it, heal it… for my entire family. For all my relationships.

I deeply regret so many things about my past relationships- and I can’t do anything now to change that. Some doors are closed, connections severed. I find myself hanging on to hope in ways, like a fairytale romance… but that’s probably also a trauma response / survival technique from my childhood… and there’s a difference between hanging on to hope in that way, and having hope as a healthy, sacred Masculine adult. 

Everything has happened exactly as it needed to, regardless who was at fault, and for a greater purpose. At least for me- I needed to See these things that I couldn’t for so long. 

I’m learning. Discovering my own Sacred Masculine and Feminine. Becoming a Man. Healing all of my this trauma and doing all this Men’s Work so that I can shine brighter, step into myself, and become more whole. And I’m not just learning/studying. I’m integrating all of this into my daily life. I seek wisdom and understanding. Depth and openness. Not just knowledge.

Living this intentional way is hard, but living and experiencing unconsciously is so much harder.

In ways this experience has been a giant paradox. My ex-partner was showing me so much of this work and ways of being… These ways of looking at the world, Women, Myself, S3x, Relationship, etc…. that I never knew existed. She was showing me for a while now. And yet because I became a sleeping little boy, I would put so much of this Work on a shelf for later- and worry about other things besides Love and Connection- just like my parents existed. 

—

It’s been especially hard to do some of this work after the breakup, because so much of it is about relationship. And now that I’m fully committed, She is gone. It’s hard to do some practices without a partner. And when I do, I find myself imagining her being there some times. More hard lessons- I had the opportunity to practice with her, and I didn’t Show Up. 

I get so mad at myself that I couldn’t see all of this until it was over. Until the very end. And now, the only amends I can make are through my actions and ways of being moving forward. And carry these lessons with me everywhere I go, into every new experience, every future and current relationship or connection. 

I miss the way she made me feel. And I’m remembering again that I can give that to myself first. I have to. All the love and nourishment I need in life doesn’t require a partner.

So… what’s next? Continuing down this road. Deepening. Shedding these toxic layers. Becoming more Whole. Stepping more fully into Manhood. Stepping into my true-self. Living attuned, and from a place of deep Presence and Love. Deep Purpose. Remembering to be Here. Now. I will read. I will write. I will practice. I will make Art. I will be falling deeper and deeper into just Being. It’s so simple when I zoom out.

In becoming more fully realized, I want to be ready for my next relationship, and carry the depths of my love into every connection, any new experiences- for the rest of my life. Only the deepest Presence and Love is what I am meant to radiate in connection. This is my Sacred Vow.

And then… help people through sharing and supporting- as a means of Sacred Service. Not as a business model. It’s about Love and Humanity for me. And that doesn’t involve money. There’s billions of people who are still sleeping, just like I was. And all of this is Human. Not psychotic, abnormal, or weird. It’s utterly Human, to FEEL. We’re not alone in our experiences. 

—

The details and specifics of what’s been happening over the past few months don’t matter too much to me anymore. I’m so deeply regretful of so many things that happened, and there’s no more opportunity for repair except through my actions moving forward. These lessons have been so hard, but they are changing and healing myself and generations of people. 

This all feels like it’s the only thing really left for me to do now with my life. I don’t need anything else. Just Love, Depth and Aliveness.

My entire life has changed. I will always have this Work to do. I’m trusting my life. Everything has a Purpose. A purpose. A purpose. I don’t need or want anything- I can give it all to myself. I am living my life out of Love again. 

So… here is a picture of a Rose that I just finished painting. I should have finished painted this a long time ago. It was on the shelf along with everything else aligned with my Heart. And it was emotionally difficult to paint through, but it helped me work through and feel a lot of this stuff in my share. 

This painting carries so much meaning and special energy. It serves as timeless marker of powerful changes swirling in the Universe. In both myself, in relationship, and with the Masculine/Feminine. At it’s core, it is a reflection of my deep reverence, honor and love for Her, and the Sacred Feminine. Her essence. It’s a symbol of Love.

Thank you for these lessons, these new eyes, and new hope, Lord Universe. I’m so grateful. The World looks so wonderfully different now.

And so it is.

Thank you for reading.

From my Heart.

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